as far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. he's the cheese to my macaroni

27 January 2008

Enough of this.
What am I putting myself through?
I keep watching these movies and reading this stuff that makes me want to relate it all to my life. I really have to stop being so egocentric. The world clearly does not revolve around me.
Or does it? Heh.
A preview for a movie reminded me of something I once wrote in my journal. A friend, whom I adored, was leaving. Leaving far, far away. And I started writing. I wrote that no matter where we were in the world, the same moon lit our night and the same sun warmed us through the day. No matter what, we’d be connected that way. And I guess it’s true. Even when you lose people, they’re not that far away. It’s not that hard to stay in touch with people. You live on the same planet, there is always a way to find someone you care about.
Which brings me to my next series of thoughts. Why am I so obsessively in love with lovey-dovey things that make my heart ache. I wondered if there is such thing as wearing your heart on your sleeve without getting bruises and stains on it (Haha, reminds me of the Kenny vs. Spenny episode where they try not to stain their white suits – love those guys). To me, the opposite is un-human – to completely close off all feelings and emotions is, well, to feel empty.
So here I am – the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve; the girl who looks for the perfect moments in life that make up her fairy tale; the girl who is kind of lost in a dream world. I don’t want to get out. Reality is all around me and how I choose to live my life is my business. I’ll be analytical, picky, adoring, caring, ridiculously blinded, head-over-heels in love, and then some. It’s not that bad, I don’t think. Just to find a way to maybe make it last? I don’t want to lose hope in people, or in love. I want to keep living a rational reality, but with my own sprinkle of magic added in.


Juno said what I’ve always been afraid to think about “I need to know it’s possible for two people to stay happy together forever”

Why do we live in such a time that this is so fucking impossible? What is out there that people think they will magically find? For years and years, people grew up with the preconceived notion that they were going to get married and have a family, dad would go to work, mom would cook and take care of the kids, and they’d live happily ever after. No fucking way is that what I was ever expecting for my life, but come on, at least to just be happy with one other person in this world for a period of time longer than in between eyebrow waxes would be a little of the wonderful for me.
The response Juno got from her Dad was great: “In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”
Here you have it. I want the boy who will think the sun shines out my ass when I’m a stress-ball and looking like shit. That’s classic.
Now what if you’ve already met that person in the past (like Juno did)? How do some people admit defeat and ask for someone back? I can’t imagine smushing my pride in my back pocket, standing in front of someone I’ve let leave my life, and completely put myself at their mercy. How does it happen?
How do you write yourself back into someone’s life when you never really wrote the perfect happy ending together anyway?
Second chances. I’ve never asked for a second chance.
On the other hand, sometimes people come back into your life by accident. You feel a bit of nostalgia, a person mentions a name, you start to think. Yes, just like I said before, it is easy to stay in touch with people who have left your life. It’s happened to me twice this week. One was an old boyfriend, and the other was a family friend. By pure chance, I googled the friend and got the email. One quick email to say hello opened a whirlwind of memories.
Every moment that passes you by goes into your memory bank. The people you choose to spend your moments with engrave themselves in your brain. Have you ever seen “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? Well, let me tell you. Tonight, I watched it again because I’ve been thinking so much. The bottom line of the movie – no matter how much you try to erase someone from your memory, they’ll find a way back if they’re meant to be there. So cliché, don’t you think? I think it’s true though.

End Note:
it's been decided that the one boy in this world who is meant for me will have the balls to say "don't be a crazy, i love you" and put up with my shit and not run away. brought to you by one of the bestest advice givers.
the end.

new music for this week --> every song on the Juno soundtrack, plus also CSS and Kaiser Chiefs.