as far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. he's the cheese to my macaroni

27 January 2008

Enough of this.
What am I putting myself through?
I keep watching these movies and reading this stuff that makes me want to relate it all to my life. I really have to stop being so egocentric. The world clearly does not revolve around me.
Or does it? Heh.
A preview for a movie reminded me of something I once wrote in my journal. A friend, whom I adored, was leaving. Leaving far, far away. And I started writing. I wrote that no matter where we were in the world, the same moon lit our night and the same sun warmed us through the day. No matter what, we’d be connected that way. And I guess it’s true. Even when you lose people, they’re not that far away. It’s not that hard to stay in touch with people. You live on the same planet, there is always a way to find someone you care about.
Which brings me to my next series of thoughts. Why am I so obsessively in love with lovey-dovey things that make my heart ache. I wondered if there is such thing as wearing your heart on your sleeve without getting bruises and stains on it (Haha, reminds me of the Kenny vs. Spenny episode where they try not to stain their white suits – love those guys). To me, the opposite is un-human – to completely close off all feelings and emotions is, well, to feel empty.
So here I am – the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve; the girl who looks for the perfect moments in life that make up her fairy tale; the girl who is kind of lost in a dream world. I don’t want to get out. Reality is all around me and how I choose to live my life is my business. I’ll be analytical, picky, adoring, caring, ridiculously blinded, head-over-heels in love, and then some. It’s not that bad, I don’t think. Just to find a way to maybe make it last? I don’t want to lose hope in people, or in love. I want to keep living a rational reality, but with my own sprinkle of magic added in.


Juno said what I’ve always been afraid to think about “I need to know it’s possible for two people to stay happy together forever”

Why do we live in such a time that this is so fucking impossible? What is out there that people think they will magically find? For years and years, people grew up with the preconceived notion that they were going to get married and have a family, dad would go to work, mom would cook and take care of the kids, and they’d live happily ever after. No fucking way is that what I was ever expecting for my life, but come on, at least to just be happy with one other person in this world for a period of time longer than in between eyebrow waxes would be a little of the wonderful for me.
The response Juno got from her Dad was great: “In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”
Here you have it. I want the boy who will think the sun shines out my ass when I’m a stress-ball and looking like shit. That’s classic.
Now what if you’ve already met that person in the past (like Juno did)? How do some people admit defeat and ask for someone back? I can’t imagine smushing my pride in my back pocket, standing in front of someone I’ve let leave my life, and completely put myself at their mercy. How does it happen?
How do you write yourself back into someone’s life when you never really wrote the perfect happy ending together anyway?
Second chances. I’ve never asked for a second chance.
On the other hand, sometimes people come back into your life by accident. You feel a bit of nostalgia, a person mentions a name, you start to think. Yes, just like I said before, it is easy to stay in touch with people who have left your life. It’s happened to me twice this week. One was an old boyfriend, and the other was a family friend. By pure chance, I googled the friend and got the email. One quick email to say hello opened a whirlwind of memories.
Every moment that passes you by goes into your memory bank. The people you choose to spend your moments with engrave themselves in your brain. Have you ever seen “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? Well, let me tell you. Tonight, I watched it again because I’ve been thinking so much. The bottom line of the movie – no matter how much you try to erase someone from your memory, they’ll find a way back if they’re meant to be there. So cliché, don’t you think? I think it’s true though.

End Note:
it's been decided that the one boy in this world who is meant for me will have the balls to say "don't be a crazy, i love you" and put up with my shit and not run away. brought to you by one of the bestest advice givers.
the end.

new music for this week --> every song on the Juno soundtrack, plus also CSS and Kaiser Chiefs.

blast from the past

21 January 2008

i spoke to an old friend of mine today.
it was strange catching up with someone i didn't really think i'd ever talk to again.
it made me think about how much has changed in 4 years.
i've moved on to working on a second degree, he's moved onto a career and living on his own.
he reminded me of certain things that i was "like" and it made me giggle. i don't think i'm the same girl anymore. i'm more ambitious and mature in life matters, but i'm definitely more immature in terms of my sense of humour.
it was fun to chat. definitely.
i'll do it again sometime.
we even have the same car! haha. car soul.
anyway, that is my thought for the night.
i must leave and prepare for my long day ahead.

let's get movin' into action!

20 January 2008

haven't written for 10 days.
I've been busy.
I realized I love two things: owls & Tim Armstrong's cd.
My new owl lamp is the perfect addition to my room.
Check out the song "into action" - tim armstrong:

love. ♥

FUNNY THING TO HAPPEN THIS WEEKEND: lady on the phone, bird swoops up to start flying... misses her nose by an inch... lady keeps walking without a flinch. My hero.
The end.

ok. back to work. i'll be up for a while!

take me back, take me back

10 January 2008

No, this isn't a plea to anyone. Ha! Puh-lease.
I've been reminiscing. It's fascinating to rediscover yourself through your old junk. I recently got my room painted, rearranged the furniture and de-cluttered. Yes, finally. It's starting to feel like tranquility is taking over my room. I kind of miss the old look, but this will be just as wonderful, if not better.
I found journals. Journals! Words and thoughts that I had in my head at strange times in my life. Damn. I wrote some good shit. But it's helping me learn what I've been doing wrong. I've been sabotaging certain aspects of my life that I thought were out of my control. Turns out, I have more control than I thought. Rad.
Also sad because I may have missed out on things that I shouldn't have. Oh well.
So, as it stands right now, I am a new girl.
I wrote this crazy list of things I wanted to get done - well guess what? I've done a bunch of them! I must have written this a long time ago, because getting a tattoo was on the list and I don't really think I want one of those. But a long time ago, I wanted everything -- tattoos, piercings, hair colours, etc. I'm ok with the way my skin looks for now. :) We'll see how I feel.
I was in a daze yesterday -- I took care of a 15 year old and a 4 year old with cancer. It hurt my heart. Why, why, why should it happen to such little people?
That is all for now.. must get back to organizing my stuff. Tomorrow is homework day. oh my.
Maybe I'll make a new list.. a more mature one :)
Sweet dreams.


08 January 2008

warm day.
wanted to wear sunglasses.. even though there was no sun. just for fun.
skool = ohmygodkillme. overwhelming.
can't even formulate thoughts.
5am wakeup.

the downward spiral

07 January 2008

It's just as I predicted.

Life, as I know it, is over. It won't come back until April. And then it will be over again from May to July. one university degree wasn't enough stress for me, I had to go get another.
what have i gotten myself into?
i feel suffocated. nervous. unsure. what if i had just stayed in tune with my writing and then maybe done some photography? but i went and chose science... science. lives. caring.
wait no, i don't believe in what ifs.. i'm meant to be here.
I'm going to be up late tonight - not doing work - just not being able to sleep. I'm scared, and I can't actually figure out why.. why is confidence in knowledge so hard to come by?
it's annoying.
pediatrics. here we go.
how did you find me.

i need music.

take me back

the secret

06 January 2008

about to embark in the hype of 'the secret' - book edition, not movie. as with almost every book-turned-into-movie, i prefer to know the book first.. the movie will most likely ruin the quality of the book.
learning how to create a joyful life? ha! kind of pathetic if you ask me, but i like to be pathetic sometimes to see if there is anything to learn. to be continued...

driving makes me think. driving to and from work is the most wonderfully dull 20 minutes each and every day. i have lots of open road and field to look at. whoop de doo. so i listen to a lot of music and radio.
today i thought about the fine sport of extreme pumpkin growing. Yes, it does exist. There are people in the world who devote themselves to pump-ing their pump-kins (heyyy) full of steroids or something to make the biggest, baddest, orange - uhhhh... fruit or vegetable???. i think it's a fruit - it has seeds.. wicked cool. i wish i had a weird passion like that. maybe i could be famous.

there was also a random song on The Edge that had a cute line in it. I wish I knew the song. It's basically a chick talking. At one point she talks about slipping into a long sleeved oversized sweater that belonged to a boy. MY FAVOURITE! Every girl must love this, especially when it still kind of smells like boy cologne. So cute.

that is all for now. i dread what is about to happen. as of 830 tomorrow morning, my life will once again turn into a series of deadlines, papers, books, and stress. ugh. not looking forward to it. so ready to be done this program.
ladies and gentlemen, i give you the raddest chick alive:

♥ soleil

1,2,3,4 tell me that you love me more

"sleepless, long nights. that was what my youth was for. oh, teenage hopes arrive at your door left you with nothing, but they want some more oh, oh, oh, you're changing your heart. oh, oh, oh, you know who you are. sweetheart, bitterheart, now i can't tell you apart. cozy and cold, put the horse before the cart. those teenage hopes, who have tears in their eyes. too scared to own up to one little lie. oh, oh, oh"

"Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

"As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each others eyes
And no matter how old we get
Its okay as long as I got you babe"

"Girls you know you better watch out
Some guys, some guys are only about
That thing, that thing, that thing"

Good ol' 99.9

sweet dreams


love the little things in life...

I am, I am, I am

04 January 2008

Victoria Lucas... writing about Esther...
Her story makes sense.
A woman growing into herself.
Imagine that.
When there is so much opportunity in the world, a woman is questioning herself and the world she lives in... and sadly ruins herself.. it's avoidable though..
she's affected by external factors... internal ones
Questioning life. Questioning emotions. Questioning self.
That's why the story makes sense.
Step one is brutal honesty.
It's amazing.
She literally drove herself insane - but she left behind her story. Even though it's twisted, you can learn from it.
Thanks Sylvia.

Ok, so that was just a thought about something I read a LONG time ago. It popped into my head today.
I had a great day, I think. Even though it was just work. And work again tomorrow, but hang out time with friends after that. Yay.
I spooked myself completely thinking about Dexter again. Only halfway through season 1. Where the eff was I when this show came out? Apparently I don't watch much cable television. That is ok though, I like this dvd action. Seriously though, I'm constantly thinking about clues in this show (k. --> sorry I spooked you too!) hehe.
Poor Britney is all over the news. Poor Britney? Maybe she wanted this? But sucks to lose the chance to see your kids! Sigh. I hate it when I don't get to see my kids.
I go now.

my little japanese cigarette case

03 January 2008

i needed to be inspired today.
this was next to impossible.
i went on a mad hunt for new music... and to my amazement, I FOUND IT.
the title of this post is one of the songs by the band "Spoon".
i think i heart them a little.

maybe tomorrow will be more exciting - although i did get called in to work. not sure how i feel about that given my circumstance.

i have been watching more Dexter... with my buddy... we are sooooo into it. heh.
some lines are kind of lame... e.g. the box of donuts was empty and dexter thinks "just like me" -- uhhh ok.
in other news, today was pay day x2 - oh the joys of having two jobs. yay. maybe i will buy meself something purty.

heard on the radio: 85 year old man caught speeding at 161 km/h in his Oldsmobile on the 407 has become the "oldest person snagged to date by Ontario's stringent crackdown on street racers and highway speed demons". HAHAHAHAHA. This man is my hero.

until tomorrow, friends.
keep fit and have fun.

wake up and love me baby

02 January 2008

My alarm failed me this morning.

Utter devasation. Balls, if you may.

By some fluke my internal clock woke me up at the exact time I should have been sitting down in my chair at work. dang. I don't understand how it happened.. the a.m. setting was right.. the radio volume was up.. and the knob was still in the "on" position. It was as if this Hello kitty shaped piece of technology decided that it would just let me sleep soundly. Thanks, god.

It all worked out though.. work was NOT busy at all.
I spent most of my shift chatting and reading online celebrity gossip and eye weekly with a few orders in between.

I heard on the radio today that MUSIC IS ADDICTIVE! aahhhhhhh! watch out. haha. But seriously --> check it.

I played the ever so popular Brain Age last night. Apparently, mine was 70. Then I realized that the higher you go, the less ideal it is. So i continued plowing through the games, testing my mathematical skills (like a nerd), and PHEW, I got myself down to 24. The ideal is 20. This game is actually packed with tons of little activities that are supposed to activate your prefrontal cortex. NEUROSCIENCE is amazing, isn't it? Ha! Brought to you by Nintendo.

I'm on the hunt for a pink Nintendo DS and/or a Wii. Help. Please. Ok, thanks.

if you're going to name a food, give it a name that makes it sound delicious! ~ ratatouille

01 January 2008

it's the first day of the year.


the year of the rat.

it's that time of year when everyone will be 100% dedicated to the gym or whatever their new year's resolution, only to have it fade away by february or march... (who are you kidding, january 2!) hah.

i do not have a resolution which is good because i don't want to admit defeat. that might be a resolution in itself, but eff you, i don't do these philosophical arguments.

the snow was pretty last night. it was perfect packing snow for making a snowman. i made a heart. i am so lame.

because i woke up late today, i intend to do nothing for the rest of the day. i will eat, indulge in more sleep, and probably watch like 100 hours of Dexter. dang. i love that show.

what's a girl to say?

i have nothing smart or witty to write anymore.

i leave you with a picture of friends.